


What We Lost

by Butlercream



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Gen, PTSD, Trauma, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 09:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6234001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butlercream/pseuds/Butlercream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fennit Rutherford-Lavellan was a peaceful boy, but he inherited his father's sense of duty, which led him to join the army to defend Fereldan from war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place years after Trespasser, so there are a couple allusions to events that happened in the DLC.

                Sphaera scanned their farm for her son, finding him in his usual place under the tree. She marched over to her son and sat down next to him with a huff.

                “Drawing anything interesting?” she asked.

                “I’m studying the muscle movements of Binky to try to figure out horse anatomy.” Fennit said in his soft, calm voice.

                “He’s not the best subject to make generalisations from. He’s undead.” Sphaera commented, watching her beloved Bog Unicorn wander through the grass. She called it ‘grazing’ but he didn’t eat, so the term was inaccurate. Mostly it was just sniffing at the grass and the critters that dwelled in it.

                “But it gives me the idea.” Fennit said. “Did you need something?” he asked her, placing his pencil in his sketchbook as a page marker before looking at her.

                “I came to remind you about your chores.” Sphaera said, raising an eyebrow and folding her arms at her son. He sighed, picking himself up off the ground and dusting himself off. He paused, and looked down at his mother, offering her a hand.

                “No, I’ll stay here for now. Thank you.” She said. Fennit retracted his hand, but paused.

                “What do you like most about it?” he asked. She looked up at him, smiling.

                “About what?” she asked. He looked at the fields before them, surrounded by trees. Her eyes followed.

                “The view.” He said. “I like that the rocks in that field there look like they are in a sea of long grass, waves crashing over them when the wind blows hard enough.” Sphaera laughed.

                “I’m not nearly as poetic as you, Da’len.” She said. “But it’s the memories attached to the place that keeps me.” She pointed to a stump amidst the rocks. “I remember your father and I tried so hard to clear that field, he spent so many hours trying to chop down that tree. Then when he did, I felt so guilty for destroying the only tree in the field that I urged him to leave the field alone. It left a place for you two to play. You and Mariel used to chase each other to that stump.”

                “I remember.” Fennit said. His voice snapped Sphaera out of her memories. She really was becoming an old women, lost in her glory days, content to sit under a tree and reminisce. She internally scolded herself to stay in the present, lest she neglect her very real husband and children for their past selves.

                “But you’re stalling.” Sphaera said, picking herself off the ground with a grunt. “Chores. Now.” She ordered. Fennit rolled his eyes and threw back his head in annoyance, but did as she said.

 ***

                “Mariel! Mariel, dinner!” Cullen called as Sphaera dished out the food Cullen had made to the plates and set them on the table. “Maker’s Breath, it’s a wonder that girl doesn’t starve.” Cullen grumbled. Sphaera chuckled and kissed his cheek on her way to deliver a plate to the table.

                Their daughter came bolting through the house, screeching to a halt in the dining room and sitting down.

                “Sorry, father. I was reading a military strategy book I borrowed from the blacksmith’s son’s friend in town. We just met, she’s absolutely hilarious! I think we’ll get along like a house on fire!” Mariel said in her usual vigor.

                Fennit had his nose in a book of poetry across the table from where his sister was seated. Sphaera placed his plate in front of him and then snatched his book from his hands, kissing the top of his head.

                “Not at the table.” Sphaera reminded, setting the book down nearby. Fennit, being told off nearly every day for the same offense, settled his eyes on his food with an indifference to the fact that his entertainment was taken from him.

                Cullen and Sphaera sat down on either end of each other and the dinner able was whole. Mariel reached across the table and grabbed a bun from a plate in the centre, chewing it as she talked.

                “As I was saying, the military strategy guide. It’s all about tactical maneuvers throughout history, the failures and the major successes and whatnot. There wasn’t anything on the qunari, which I would be delighted to learn more about.” Mariel prattled on with her mouth full.

                “You’ll have to talk to your Uncle Iron Bull next time he’s in.” Sphaera said.

                “And try not to forget your manners.” Cullen grumbled.

                “It’s only because she’s with us.” Sphaera countered, earning a look from her husband. “I can’t imagine she’d act the same if she were around the Orlesian nobles. Although I would like to see their faces if she did.” Sphaera watched the corners of Cullen’s mouth to twitch up, then be forced back down as he glared at her. She turned to her daughter. “But yes, listen to your father, da’len.”

                “So there was a part about you two in this book. Mostly father, though, and his military strategy in the battles like Adamant Fortress, and the second battle of the Temple of Sacred Ashes.”

                Sphaera was not surprised the credit went mostly to Cullen, even when in actuality the plan was strung up by the four of them in a discussion at the war table. Not that he didn’t deserve it, Cullen led the army brilliantly, but there had been a not-so-odd lack of representation of her that left a bad taste in her mouth. Mostly because she knew it was due to her ears.

                “Those were interesting to plan, but not nearly as impressive as what your mother pulled off during the Haven attack.” Cullen said.

                “They could really use the both of you in the upcoming war.” Mariel said excitedly.

                “I wouldn’t be so excited for war, if I were you.” Fennit said calmly. “If everyone could just talk it through instead of slaughtering each other the world would be infinitely more tolerable. I’ve been reading poems from the Blights and the battles you talk about.” He looked from his mother to his father. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

                Sphaera looked to Cullen and their eyes locked. He seemed to be urging her to speak.

                “It isn’t pleasant, no. We do what we must. People in this world don’t accept talking as well as you or I.” she said. “Corypheus wasn’t going to stop because I asked him to.” She kept her eyes on her plate, her face stoney. Cullen cleared his throat.

                “Perhaps a change of topics.” He suggested.

                “When Uncle Bull comes by again can you ask him to bring some more of that cocoa and Orlesian guimauves?” Mariel asked.

                “Speaking of Uncle Bull,” Fennit said in his quiet voice. “I found the recipe for that tea that you make him, Mother. How old is he? I would think he’s too young to have those sorts of problems.”

                “Maker’s Breath, Fennit.” Cullen groaned.

                “Fennit! Not while we’re eating!” Sphaera hissed, turning red. Mariel gasped for breath through her laughter.

 ***

                “You won’t go! I forbid it!” Cullen yelled, slamming a fist on the table. Sphaera placed a hand on his arm.

                “Cullen.” She said softly, clearly, like a gentle warning. He didn’t even look at her. She could almost see the fear in him converting to anger on his face, the way his nose crinkled and his brow furrowed to crease his face much worse than time had.

                “I am of age to join. They need soldiers desperately. Every person helps.” Fennit said, his eyes staring defiantly at his father. There were many things Fennit Rutherford-Lavellan was, but he was very rarely defiant.

                Yet here he was, standing in the dining room, a table between him and his father, gripping his chair, in fear or anger Sphaera could not tell. His face was dead serious.

                “You have never trained with me. You have never wanted to raise a sword in your life and now you want to rush into battle. For what?!” Sphaera heard a door creak and saw Mariel peak out from her room. She gestured for her to go back inside. Mariel shot her a concerned look, but slowly closed the door. Sphaera knew she was listening anyway.

                “For you! For this family! For Fereldan!” Fennit’s voice rose to meet his father’s volume, something that the quiet boy rarely did. “I am the son of two great military leaders and my country is in peril. They need all the help they can get. Should I sit here in cowardice while better men fight?”

                “There are other things you can do, Fennit.” Sphaera said gently. “I can ensure you a higher position. You would be able to contribute, but be safer.”

                “Mother…” Fennit pressed his lips together and sighed. “What else could I do? I can’t use a sword yet, and you know my combat magic is hardly strong…If I start as a recruit they’ll train me with everybody else. I will feel like I’m doing something.” Fennit said.

                “You don’t have to do something on the front lines, Fennit.” Cullen snapped. Sphaera placed a hand on his arm again to silence him.

                “I do.” Fennit said, looking at his father steadily.

                “You’d be better accustomed to train in magic, Fennit.” Sphaera said, gathering up her own emotions about her son’s decision and pushing it down. “If not, then perhaps a ranged weapon, like a bow. You have good aim, you just need to work on focusing your magic better. I can give you a few tips before you go, if you’d like. We can train a bit before you get there.” Sphaera said.

                Fennit paused and nodded slowly.

                “I have to do this. I know it will be hard, and I know what I’m getting myself into, but I need to be there, or I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.” Fennit said, looking to his father for approval.

                Cullen sighed and shook his head, running a hand through his hair, his jaw set.

                “If you fight you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.” Cullen said in a low tone. Fennit looked at him, long and hard, then turned and stalked off to his room.

                “Cullen-“

                “Don’t.” Cullen cut his wife off with a harsh look. “You and I both know he’s not coming back the same.”

                “We don’t know that for sure.” Sphaera countered, somewhat sternly. Cullen looked at her, suddenly looking very tired and old.

                “He’s fighting against venatori. Blood mages. He’s never been through a harrowing, he’s never seen a demon in his life and even if they don’t take him, what if they…it would be better if they take him.” Cullen said, his voice breaking.

                “Vhenan...” Sphaera said, wrapping her arms around Cullen’s waist and hugging him tightly. “We can’t convince him, Cullen. All we have to do is believe that he will come back, like you did for me all those years ago.”

                “I can’t let him go through what I did…” Cullen murmured, wrapping his arms tightly around her.

                “You don’t have a choice, vhenan. That’s up to him now.” Sphaera said, tilting her face up to look at her husband. “So let him leave in your good graces. Don’t let him go on a sour note. Give him a place to come back to.” Cullen’s eyes searched hers and she saw all the anguish that lay in him. It brought all the emotions she had pushed down to her throat to see him so tormented, and a hand flew up to her mouth to cover the sob that was not so easily concealed.

                Cullen pressed her head to his chest and let her cry there. She ignored the droplets of wet that fell onto her head as he rested his chin there and merely pressed herself closer to him.

 

                Sphaera got some training in before Fennit left. Cullen played nice, trying to bite back any anger that arose when the topic of Fennit’s departure was brought up, or the war. Mariel was surprisingly quiet within those days. If she wasn’t able to detect the tension in her father, she surely knew it was still there from the way he had yelled at Fennit before.

                Fennit left, sack slung over his back, headed for town to join the wagon driving troops in. He was among the first recruits.

                Then came the letter to Cullen, and then to Sphaera, asking for their help in the war effort, in a comfortable position in a war room. There was a lot of discussion. They had the farm to take care of, and what if Fennit were to return and find the house empty?

                “I can stay behind.” Mariel suggested.

                “You’re only fourteen, I can’t put that responsibility on you.” Sphaera said.

                “I can use a sword! I’m not in the action like Fennit, and I can actually fight, unlike him.”

                “She isn’t far from the village, and we should be able to evacuate her if the fighting gets too close.” Cullen said. “She’s probably safer here than at the castle.”

                Sphaera sighed, but agreed. It was not doing her well to have both children to worry about, but commanding the war gave her and Cullen an advantageous position to protect her children.

 ***

                “They’re closing in on us on this side.” One of the generals said.

                “Then can we push them back?” Sphaera asked.

                “No, there are too many. We would have to distract them. Pull the majority of them away.” Cullen said.

                “But we don’t have enough troops for that.” One of the generals commented.

                “Bulk up a battalion. Make them look bigger than they actually are, send whispers of more men than they actually are.” A general pointed out. “They’ll send more men than they need to, leaving this way open for us to cut off their supply line.” The general pointed to the map.

                “But that would slaughter a battalion.” Sphaera pointed out.

                “A thousand to save a hundred thousand.” The general shrugged. “We’ll send in the battalion by Ostagar.”

                “No.” Cullen snapped, his face growing dark. Sphaera looked at him in surprise, then down at the map. Realisation hit her. Her heart sunk. “There has to be someone else we can send.” Cullen said.

                “They’re the closest, Commander. We need to pull this off now.” The general said. Cullen’s look became grim as he looked at the map, at Ostagar. Sphaera sighed and closed her eyes, counting to ten in her head before opening them again. When she did, Cullen was on his way out the door.

                The generals in the room looked at her for answers.

                “Our son is fighting in Ostagar at the moment.” There was silence in the room.

                “I’m sorry.” One of the generals said.

                “There is nothing we can do?” Sphaera asked, hopefully. The generals looked at her with pity. She returned the look with a cold, hard stare. She would not accept anyone’s pity. Not after everything she had been through, the social strength she had made for herself. “Then send them in.”

                “We truly are sorry. If we transfer him-“

                “I urge you not to make your petty arguments about the lack of time or fair play it would be to save him. I have played the game before, I know how this all works. Do what you must, but do not attempt to lie to me.” Sphaera said, staring down every single one of them.

                Again there was silence.

                “There isn’t enough time for logistics like a transfer. If we pull out your son, they would know they were being sent in for the slaughter. Morale is key, Ser. They wouldn’t hold them off long enough, we would have deserters.”

                “I said ‘do what you must.’” Sphaera said icily. “And I would thank you not to underestimate the intelligence of my soldiers. They will know as soon as they get the order.”

                “…Then is it decided?” someone pointed out. All eyes on the room fell on Sphaera.

                “Yes.” She said softly, her eyes staring at the map. She pushed herself off the table and left to find Cullen.

 

                Cullen watched the reports almost obsessively during the battle. He kept his eyes on the total dead and missing, the list of known names. Sphaera watched him pace their room in the castle, grumbling. She read the letters from Mariel and tried to take comfort in the fact that she was safe.

                Months passed, and finally the war came to a success from their part. There was no news of any survivors from Fennit’s battalion. Sphaera and Cullen returned to the farm where he threw himself into working the fields, anything to keep his mind off his grief. Sphaera stayed strong for him, and for Mariel, but she couldn’t help but look at the stump on the farm and remember him falling off it and busting open his lip, or chasing Binky around the field. She saw the waves of green crashing against the rocks and, when certain no-one else was around to see her, cried until she couldn’t breathe.

 ***

                They had only been back at the farm a couple weeks when a figure came shambling up the walkway. Sphaera always welcomed stragglers, and often templars came in search of the lyrium rehab Cullen had opened. She headed out to meet the figure and greet him. As she got closer, she recognised the military uniform, the curly brown hair falling across his eyes.

                “Fennit?” Sphaera said around the lump in her throat. He was holding himself up with a large stick, using it like a crutch.

                “It’s me.” Fennit said back, a small, sad smile playing on his lips. Sphaera ran to him and gathered him in her arms, hugging him tightly. She felt a hand hesitantly wrap around her. After some time, she pulled away to look at him, caressing his cheek with her good hand.

                “Creators.” Sphaera said. She recognised that look in his eyes, and her joy fell. She had seen that look in Cullen, in Iron Bull, in Solas, and in herself for some time. It was the look of someone whose world had been forcefully changed. “You look like you could really use a bath and some tea.” She said.

                “That would be nice.” Fennit said. “Thank you.” Sphaera’s heart further dropped at his voice. It wavered more now. She knew better than to press him for details. She had been through this before.

                “Come inside, Da’len. You can have some tea while I haul out the bath.” She said.

                “You don’t have to…Just for me…” Fennit said as they headed back to the house. Sphaera took her time, Fennit was in no shape to hurry.

                “I’d say you very well earned yourself a bath, at least.” Sphaera said, giving him a smile she did not feel. She somehow had not expected a return to be so bittersweet.

                Sphaera set the kettle on the stove as Fennit sat down at the dinner table. Cullen’s mabari came sauntering around the corner, and seeing Fennit, went racing off to find his Master.

                “Mariel, can you go get the tub from the barn?” Sphaera called. Mariel came out of her room, glancing at her brother before continuing towards the door.

                “Not even a hello, Mare?” Fennit teased. Mariel froze at the doorway, then turned to look at the stranger that was sitting at her dinner table, covered in dirt and looking older than when he left.

                “Fennit? Maker’s Breath, Fennit!” she squealed, throwing herself into her brother’s arms. Fennit chuckled softly as he hugged her. Mariel pulled away and turned to her mother. “You told me he was dead!”

                “We thought he was dead.” Sphaera said softly, not looking at her son. The last thing he needed was that guilt on his shoulders.

                “You have to tell me all about the war.” Mariel said excitedly, pulling out the chair next to Fennit as if to sit down. Sphaera turned and locked eyes with Fennit. She could see the pain.

                “Mariel. Let him have a bath and settle down.” Sphaera commanded. Mariel sighed in dismay, but headed off to do what she was told.

                Cullen came through a minute later, led by a very excited mabari who bound in and placed his front paws in Fennit’s lap, tongue hanging out and small tail wagging. Fennit chuckled and pet the dog’s head. Cullen froze at the doorway.

                “Maker’s Breath.” Cullen muttered, pulling his son’s attention from his dog. Father and son stared at one another for a long time, silence filling the room.

                “I made it back.” Fennit said finally, pushing himself up on his crutch. Cullen stepped towards him.

                “Sit.” It was a command, but it was spoken softly. Fennit hesitantly did as his father said. Cullen pulled a chair next to his son and sat down. Sphaera saw the way his brows were furrowed, and his shoulders slumped. He saw what she had seen in her son.

                “Sorry I didn’t send word back. I was taken prisoner and…They didn’t exactly allow letters.” Fennit’s voice shook as he spoke.

                “Maker’s Breath…” Cullen breathed out. Sphaera placed the mugs of tea in front of Cullen and Fennit, moving to heat the water for the bath next. She tried to keep her mind on the task.

                “I’m sorry.” Fennit said.

                “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Cullen said sternly. Fennit fell silent, holding his cup of tea.

                “Your leg.” Sphaera mentioned. “Is it still there?” Cullen’s eyes flashed to her, then back to Fennit.

                “Yes.” Fennit sipped his tea. “It was a fracture that I couldn’t heal straight. I tried to, but I forgot what Uncle Ewen said and I fucked it up.” Fennit said.

                “Did you walk back?” Sphaera asked.

                “Most of the way. Sometimes I got a ride.”

                “If you had written us, we would have come and gotten you.” Cullen said.

                “Your dead son?” Fennit finally looked at his father. “You wouldn’t have thought that to be a trap? Besides, no-one would take me long enough to stay and wait for you.” There was another long silence.

                “You did well. You were strong.” Cullen finally said. “You still are.” He placed a hand on Fennit’s arm. Fennit only nodded, his brow furrowed.

                “Are you staying with us?” Sphaera asked. Fennit shrugged.

                “I have nowhere else to go.” He said. Cullen closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh.

                “Then you can be sure you’ll have a lot of work to do.” Sphaera said. Cullen’s head snapped to her.

                “What?”

                “This farm has fallen into disarray without him. He’ll need to get used to working with that leg. We’ll start with the jobs that aren’t as physical, but he’s going to have to help out around here.”

                “Sphaera, please.” Cullen said. Sphaera looked at her husband steadily, nodding slightly to tell him she knew what she was doing. She had done this before, he seemed to forget. He sighed.

                She knew he needed something to focus on, a goal to achieve, even if it was a small one. The less time he spent thinking about what happened the better. Of course, she would take care of Fennit, make sure not to push him too hard, but until he was ready to talk, he needed to feel useful again. She had watched the way Cullen used his work as a crutch, she knew she had done the same. For now, it was what he needed. A purpose.

                Mariel came bursting in with the tub over her shoulder.

                “I’m putting it in his room” she sing-songed as she walked past. She returned a minute later with excitement clear on her face. Then she saw the serious expressions of everyone in her family. Her smile faltered slightly as she observed the room.

                “So.” She said, looking at the crutch. “Bad leg, huh? Between you and Mum you make a full person.”

                “Mariel-“ Cullen warned, but Fennit gave his sister a grin.

                “Anything you want, Mare?” Fennit asked. Mariel grinned and sat down on the side opposite her father.

                “I’m just happy to have you back.” Mariel said. “But honestly if you have any trophies from war…”

                “I don’t…Sorry.” Fennit said. “Anything else, though?”

                “Not unless you’re going to get me a horse to ride into town with.”

                “What colour?” Fennit asked, the grin actually meeting his eyes.

                “A beautiful white stallion!” Mariel declared, laughing. “Why? Should I check the stables for a surprise?”

                “Not yet.” Fennit said. He turned to his father. “Father, I think you should get Mariel her stallion.” He said.

                “She’s not getting her own horse. We have a horse.” Cullen sighed.

                “He’s rotting!” Mariel whined. “I defended the farm while you were all away, I should get something!”

                “Perhaps a new gown, then.” Sphaera pitched in.

                “Come on,” Fennit said. “It would warm my heart to see my little sister get her horse. Just seeing her smile would make me happy.”

                “Maker’s Breath, Fennit. Don’t be like that.” Cullen groaned. Sphaera set a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and glared, clearly knowing what was about to come.

                “Alright.” Sphaera said. Cullen sighed. “Just this once, I think we can give in a little, Cullen.” She said, leaning down to kiss his cheek. Cullen grumbled and folded his arms.

               

                Sphaera was awoken to screaming. Her immediate instinct was to sit up and look to Cullen, but he too was sitting up. Sphaera quickly clued in to what was happening.

                “I’ve got it.” Sphaera told Cullen softly, climbing out of bed and quickly lighting the bedside candle. “Go back to sleep.” She said as she hurried out the door.

                Mariel was coming out her room with her sword at the ready when Sphaera came out into the hall.

                “Go back into your room.” Sphaera commanded.

                “Fennit’s in trouble!” Mariel protested. Sphaera sighed, pausing in front of Fennit’s door.

                “No, he isn’t. Go back to sleep.” Sphaera ordered. Without looking back to see if Mariel did as she ordered, she entered Fennit’s room.

                She set the candle down on his bedside table and gripped his arm, shaking him lightly.

                “Fennit, it’s alright. It’s just a nightmare.” She said. Fennit sat straight up in bed and swung for her. She expertly ducked out of the way, remembering doing all of this before, in Skyhold. “It’s just me, da’len. It’s just me.” She said soothingly.

                Fennit sat, breathing heavily, staring at her blankly before his sleep-filled mind caught up with him and his shoulders slumped.

                “Maker’s Breath, I tried to hit you.” He said, burying his face in his hands. Sphaera sat on the edge of his bed like she used to do when he was little and set a careful hand on his arm.

                “It’s to be expected.” She said gently. “Would you like some tea to calm your heart?” she asked. Fennit paused.

                “Yes…Please.” He said in a soft tone.

                “How’s your leg? Do you think you can hobble to the dining table?” she asked. He paused again, but nodded, throwing his feet over the side of the bed and grabbing his crutch to push him up off the bed.

                Sphaera led the way to the dining table in the kitchen. She started the fire in the oven, filling the kettle in a bucket of water she always left near the stove. She left the kettle on the stove to boil.

                “Convenient the water’s there.” Fennit said as he collapsed into a chair. She turned to look at him.

                “Why did you think it was there?” she asked.

                “In case of a fire?” Fennit asked. Sphaera shook her head and sat down beside her son.

                “This isn’t the first time I’ve sat up making tea for someone with nightmares, Da’len.” She said. “A lot has happened to your father in his time. He may not have a missing arm to show for it, but he still gets nightmares. _I_ get nightmares, but never as bad.”

                “So…It doesn’t go away?” Fennit asked. He was still shaking. She reached out and took his hand. She had forgotten to put on her prosthetic on her way to him, so she could only hold the one.

                “I’m afraid not. By the time I met your father the night terrors were less frequent than they supposedly were before. I think he more got used to living with it than anything else.” Sphaera said. “You should talk to him about that, though.”

                “ _That’_ s why he didn’t want me to go.” Fennit sighed and pulled his hand away from his mother to run it through his hair. “I was a fool for not listening.”

                “You couldn’t know. Even I don’t know what your father really went through. He told me everything, and I still can’t possibly fathom it.” Sphaera said. “Regardless, he’s proud of you.”

                Fennit’s shoulders suddenly shook and tears started rolling down his cheeks. Sphaera stood and hugged him. He buried his face in her neck, clinging to her like he was once again a six-year-old scared of the monsters under his bed. She smoothed the back of his pajamas.

                “It will be okay, Fennit.” She said softly. “It will be okay. You can do this. You are strong.”

                The kettle began to whistle and Fennit pulled away, wiping away his tears aggressively. Sphaera sighed and poured the tea for herself and him, carefully setting the mugs on the table one-by-one. She sat down again, and by that time he had collected himself.

                “It will help to talk about it.” Sphaera said. “To anyone. Me, your father, your sister… I know your father refused to talk to his family too much about it, but if you can find someone. It may not help right away, but letting it build up in your chest will only lead to bad things. Your father and I can both attest to that.” She said softly. Fennit was silent for a long time, staring at his tea.

                “I knew we were going to the slaughter. I heard from the officers, the other soldiers, I knew where the enemy was. Then we were told to light three times as many fires as usual, draw attention, spread word in the villages that we passed, everywhere we could that the other soldiers were hiding in the trees, waiting to attack. I knew we were like a bird, puffing up to scare its opponent. But I also knew the Venatori are not ones to retreat so easily. I wasn’t the only one. I watched people write their goodbyes and I…” Fennit let out a deep sigh. “I couldn’t.”

                “I had watched my friends die for months before then. But this was…This was a massacre. There were demons and…Anyway, I lost my footing, got my foot caught between a rock and broke it. Maybe it was because I’m a mage, maybe it was something else, but they took me prisoner. Sent demons in to antagonise me every once in a while, possibly to weaponize me. Didn’t give in, though. My commanding officer, they took him too, he gave in…I…” Fennit paused, sipping his tea to conceal his tears. He took a shaky breath in before continuing. “I don’t know how I got out. They had figured out who I was by the end of the war. I think they were thinking of a ransom. Then someone from Tevinter got me out. All I know was he was a magister.” He said.

                Sphaera tried not to show her heart breaking in two at her inability to protect her son. She could have stopped his battalion from going in. She could have done so much to stop this. Yet, here she was, trying to tell _him_ to live in the present while she beat herself up over her own past failures.

                “Fennit.” Sphaera said softly, causing her son to look up at her with his hurt hazel eyes. “We’ll get through it. It hurts more than even I can imagine, I know, but you are strong. Before, during, after the war, you are strong.”

                “Thank you.” Fennit said softly.

                “We’re getting you a new, crutch, by the way.” Sphaera said. “That one is barely doing the job. We’ll get you whatever you want. Traditional, mechanical. I have many friends, I can get whatever style you want.” She said. Fennit gave her a half-hearted smile.

                “I’ll think about it, then.” He said.

                “And you’d better not pull any more veteran’s guilt or your poor father will have a conniption.” Sphaera warned. Fennit cracked a smile.

                “No promises.”

                “I swear, sometimes you remind me so much of your Uncle Ewen…” Sphaera groaned.


End file.
